nostalgia

I never feel it coming. 

I'm in the middle of something routine. Quietly working away on dinner, or driving home from work, when I'm hit with such wistful longing for my life just as it is. Nostalgia for right now.

Oh remember when? I say to no one in particular. Remember when I was twenty-three but swore to my brand new husband that I felt twenty-six, at least?

The swirly feeling continues. I see every aspect of my life through the lens of memory.

Remember when it was just the two of us? When we would up and decide to go across the country in a week and a half. When we could be utterly selfish with each other. When we would both wake up and go out into the world to labor and toil for a bit, come back home and reunite with a long hug and a kiss, then eat a simple supper. Maybe even on the couch. Because we didn't have to set examples for anyone. When our evenings and weekends are ours, and ours alone, to be filled with last minute dates, long walks, or absolutely nothing at all.

Remember when I worked outside the home? When I would wake up and talk to the cats while putting on my black pants and a cardigan. When my speech consisted of more three letter abbreviations than I ever thought possible. When I had bosses and meetings and sent lots of emails that made me feel all at once both terribly important and unimportant. When I would take deep gulps of fresh air the second I walked out of the building. When I spent my days surrounded by the quiet, comforting hum of a busy office knee deep in spreadsheets and graphs and nested formulas. 

Something always pulls me from my reverie. A ringing phone, a red light changing to green. 

I look around at the articles that make up my little life - my green notebook, a brightly colored spoon rest, an airplane shaped paper clip - and feel a sudden and deep affection for them. I promise myself to take more pictures, to slow down, to soak it all up. To let myself feel the longing and excitement for the next step, but not let it prevent me from seeing and appreciating the simple sweetness of my life. 

Because, right now, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. 

And one day, I'm going to miss this. I already miss this.